Grief and Growth

This week was, without a doubt, the hardest of my life.

After ending the previous week feeling content and hopeful, our world shifted. On Tuesday, my dad took a turn for the worse, and we were faced with the heartbreaking reality we knew was coming. Surrounded by me, Mum, James, Will (my brother), and Teegan (Will’s girlfriend), Dad passed away peacefully, with all of us by his side. That moment, though unbearably painful, was filled with love, and I’ll always be grateful we were there together.

Less than 12 hours later, on the Wednesday, I had committed to one hell of a challenge, playing 72 holes of golf in one day to raise money for Prostate Cancer UK and the Worcestershire Prostate Cancer Support Group.

This had been planned for months, with one of Dad’s friends from the golf club, long before we knew how quickly things would change, and certainly before I knew I was pregnant.

There was no way I could back out. Dad would’ve haunted me forever if I’d spent the day crying indoors instead of doing something both he and I loved.

And honestly? It was the best decision I could have made.

Surrounded by friends, family, and the golf crew that meant so much to both of us, the day became a beautiful tribute. When do you ever get the chance to bring people together that soon after losing someone? In a strange way, it became my therapy, being out on the course, sharing stories, and raising a glass (of water, in my case!) to my dad.

Playing golf for 16 hours while secretly pregnant, and the day after losing your dad, was, to put it simply, brutal. Emotionally and physically.

Walking just shy of 50,000 steps while managing grief and keeping our pregnancy under wraps was tough. People joked about me not carrying my clubs, offered me alcoholic drinks left and right, and I somehow managed to dip, dive, dodge it all without anyone suspecting a thing. 

To all the pregnant girlies out there: never, ever feel ashamed about not drinking. Your body is already doing so much, and protecting your peace is more important than fitting in.

Together, we raised an amazing £3,500 for both Prostate Cancer UK and the local Worcestershire Prostate Cancer Support Group.

So, how the hell did I manage it?

• Adrenaline, and lots of it.

• A different group of people joining us each round.

• Change of outfit each round.

• A shower after round 2.

• Endless water and snacks (honestly, the snacks kept me alive).

• The final 9 holes fuelled by drum and bass.

• And most importantly, a hell of a lot of support from everyone around us.

  
  

You can watch a little round-up on my Instagram.

Pregnancy this week left me utterly exhausted, but I’ve been lucky to avoid many other symptoms so far. It’s been a huge reminder that the body is a mystical thing, capable of pushing through deep emotional lows and still carrying on with incredible strength.

But even more powerful than that? The mind. Grief and growth are happening side by side right now for me, and I couldn’t keep going without the people I’ve been lucky enough to have around me.

Surround yourself with good humans. They’ll mean more than you ever realise.